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Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
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Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007
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today will be my last day of work.
tomorrow my father comes to move a few nonessential things for me.
friday i leave.
the next few months should bring many changes, most of which will no doubt be impossible to predict.
i love surprises.
what lies ahead in the immediate future?
a reiki retreat, an art therapy workshop, and a solar-powered hippie commune. a few personal encounters with: a long-time mentor, a carmel-based artist, and a sweet, elderly host in santa cruz.
and, i hope, additional surprises.
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| Time: | 10:39 pm. |
| Mood: | bewildered. |
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sometimes liability issues and bureaucratic regulations make it really hard to do simple, nice things for people.
i want to take my two 7th grade students on a little tour of the local junior college. it's only a 5 or 10 minute drive from their home. and i really believe going there would help them to visualize themselves in a place of higher learning, maybe give them a goal to which they may aspire. we could tour the social science wing or fine arts building, show them how they would be free to pursue their individual interests and follow whatever dreams they may have. maybe pull some fliers off the bulletin boards and let them see for themselves how schools facilitate travel and adventure and discovery via study abroad programs and other campus clubs and organizations. they got so excited about the idea of checking it all out for themselves.
but there are so many "what ifs" that everyone is really concerned about and all the rules are telling me this is not allowed, this is a bad idea, going through with this plan may yield unpleasant results or serious repercussions.
i wish it were less complicated.
this is one of the reasons why being affiliated with a government sponsored organization is very frustrating. technically, i'm not allowed to exist in the lives of my students outside of our twice weekly, hour-long, in-home tutoring sessions. i may not legally allow them to ride with me in my personal vehicle. and once we have completed the maximum number of hours that the school district has allotted each student to receive free one-on-one tutoring, i would be in breach of contract if i were to attempt to establish or receive any further contact with/from these kids.
i feel like such a tool.
all i want is to be real with these kids and help them to realize their potential and visualize their own success.
and i believe that potential and success cannot be measured in terms of state-approved written multiple choice assessment tests.
at any rate, the tutoring gig will be up in about a week. i've got another job to help me stay afloat that may even allow time to dedicate to more (volunteer?)work with kids...
i can do the fingerprinting and background checking and all that necessary "prove you're not a creep" paperwork.
what i can't do is the "put in your time to raise some standardized test scores then disappear without a trace" thing.
so we'll see how it goes.
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Monday, February 19th, 2007
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i feel things very intensely.
even those emotions and experiences which are not my own.
not just as a reaction, but an interaction.
an empathy that i can only vaguely attribute to possessing a sort of hyper sensitivity
and also an understanding that individual emotions - however unique - are utterly universal.
i am startled by the tears and butterflies of others. i feel their sorrows and joy.
yet something in me says these feelings - though they may be elicited privately, uniquely, obscurely -
they belong not to one of us
or some of us
but all of us.
they are the emotional and spiritual energies from which we all have emerged and which we, throughout life, continue to emit.
however, they do not exist in the plural. because it's all the same thing. there is only one.
we fuel it as we feed from it.
just as water cycles through the atmosphere and ocean, constantly moving and changing - not merely itself, but everything with which it comes into contact. yet its essence remains the same. it simply takes on different expressions.
reciprocity.
young man military attire steps off greyhound bus towards woman holding sign, "welcome home soldier," joyful, relieved, terrified and incredulous screams, "son," no words to describe the pitch there is running hugging silence tears.
cobblestone street bohemian couple hippie clothes accordion duet rhythm tumbles melody embraces the lanes are heaving in and out with the squeeze box wheezing it steals the air from my lungs.
when these things move me
i offer a silent prayer of thanks
to humanity.
some people live to serve god - or their idea of god. others live to fulfill their own personal, earthly wants and needs.
when you live to serve those around you, the effect is threefold: you are helping to improve the individual spirits of your neighbors and of yourself, and you are contributing to the beautification of the collective soul of mankind.
fulfillment x3.
this is not meant to sound preachy or haughty. these are just ideas i have in my own heart about the way the universe works. i feel like they are ideas which will come heavily into play in my own future, both as i decide how to live my life and as i discover what i am meant to do with it.
bring it on, world.
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Friday, December 22nd, 2006
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well i haven't showered since wednesday, but - the horses are done! and they look even better than i could have imagined. i am so happy to have them all finished.
these past few weeks of taking on creative project after project have been very fulfilling. and now that this big horse thing is behind me, it has me thinking, what next?
i feel my best when i am working with my hands and shapes and colors, sculpting and painting and creating.
this morning the clock repair man came to deliver and install the old, antique stand up clock steve's grandfather bought at a yard sale for $250. after he had the thing in place and set, he stepped back to admire it and tell us all what an incredible conversation piece it has been these past few weeks he's been working on the thing. there had been a general consensus among all of his clock dealer/expert buddies - the thing was one of a kind, probably made especially for royalty, and definitely priceless. after he had gone, steve and i inspected the painting on the face, and, based on some clues (names like waterloo, sarasota, wellington and hill) we performed a bit of research and concluded that the clock was probably crafted for the duke of wellington (or one of his military subordinates) to commemorate their victories against the french during the napoleonic war.
no kidding.
i love living with steve and his family. i love how connected all our lives are, and how we expose one another to new and interesting things everyday and sometimes don't even realize how we manage to enrich each other in the process. i love how there is this immense appreciation and effort to seek out, preserve, restore, and create beautifully handcrafted pieces of history. the whole ranch and social circle in which the family is immersed like an entire community devoted to some sort of skilled crafstman renaissance. i love it. it's very inspiring. i am happy to be a part of it.
and i think i can keep loving it and doing it and creating things that bring joy into other people's lives and actually use that as a means of supporting myself.
so i'm getting some really great ideas and thinking of new projects and ways to market them so as to make them available to those who will appreciate them.
i am thinking vintage toys and baby furniture, kites and pretty framed prints, ceramics and quilts...
all the things i have been dreaming about these past several months.
and i am going to help beautify the barn! and help bring lots of lovely green things into the world. meanwhile, the pasture is looking great - lots of grass is poking its way through the fallen leaves, though the seeds in the unshaded areas are slow coming. but it's only been a few weeks. and it's all coming together. and i think it will keep coming together.
ah, that was a good ramble. i am in a good mood.
now i'm going to finish my orange juice chambord and bacardi and maybe take a shower, but more likely just stay dirty until tomorrow.
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Monday, December 4th, 2006
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Saturday, November 18th, 2006
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i have a theory about how the universe works.
when you genuinely desire to do good in life, the rest of the world tries to help make it happen for you.
regardless, life is coming together for me these days.
i moved back to orange county last week - away from the hustle and bustle on a little piece of serenity. there is no place i would rather be.
starting december 1st, i will be volunteering fridays at the orange county children's therapeutic arts center, assisting with grant writing.
there is also a small possibility that they will bring me on as a paid teaching assistant in the visual arts.
i also got a job today. i will be tutoring students through a government subsidized organization which provides free one-on-one tuition thanks to the no child left behind act.
and i will be assisting steve in sprucing up the barn and helping to get his business (boarding horses) up and running. i went with him to his meeting at SCORE last week - in addition to offering business advice to steve, the gentleman with whom we spoke was also able to provide me with some information on starting up a nonprofit.
then, beginning in january, i will be taking studio art and psych classes at fullerton college, working towards fulfilling the application requirements for the loyola marymount masters in art therapy program.
and i will also continue to tag along with steve to hermosa beach on thursdays to tutor a sophomore in creative writing.
many things going on at once. they share a common theme. and all are working to fulfill one ambition.
it is good to feel full.
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Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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saturday was wonderful. for several reasons. i went to santa ana for volunteer orientation at the children's therapeutic arts center. it's such a brilliant place. there was so much going on - so much good stuff. children and parents everywhere, not to mention harps and guitars and paints and mosaics, everyone reading and learning and creating. i am so excited to become a part of it all.
and the really awesome news:
as soon as i can commit to a schedule of availability, i will be serving as assistant to the director/founder of the program.
it will give me an opportunity to learn a lot about how nonprofits work, and how to develop some of the technical tools i will need in order to start my own one day (marketing techniques, grant writing skills, etc). and i will also have the extreme pleasure of observing the therapeutic benefits of the arts in action. and not just watching, but actually teaching and doing and learning. it will give me a better sense of whether or not pursuing graduate work in that area is something i really want to do.
not only will i personally be benefitting from the experience, but i feel i have a lot to offer in return. i can contribute in a lot of areas - not just helping with the visual arts and music programs (the possibility of reviving the ceramics class was mentioned, and the idea of giving guitar lessons proposed)... but i can help promote the cause with words and stories and appeals and help them to get the exposure and funding that will allow them to continue helping the community. and i could help bring in a lot of potential volunteers - right now, the center recruits students from santa ana and fullerton colleges, but UC irvine is a totally untapped resource that is right in their backyard. it wouldn't be difficult for me to get in touch with the department, reserve a table at the career fair - do whatever it takes to find students (of the arts, humanities, not to mention future teachers) who would be enthusiastic about getting involved.
it's the whole circle of reciprocity thing coming into play again.
so i'm pretty happy about all this. now it's just a matter of moving and settling and finding an evening job to help sustain myself while i work and learn under the wing of an awesome mentor.
this is my life. and i am pleased with the direction in which things are moving.
and i don't for one second take any of it for granted.
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Wednesday, October 25th, 2006
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i can definitely see myself going back to school for this:
http://www.lmu.edu/PageFactory.aspx?PageID=23339
loyola marymount of one of two schools in southern california that offers a masters in art therapy.
i can't wait to get to santa ana saturday for my introduction to that whole world.
this is the universe is conspiring!
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Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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this morning i spoke with the volunteer coordinator at the orange county children's therapeutic arts center.
http://www.occtac.org/
she seemed like a passionate person. we had a good conversation.
she asked me about myself, and she seemed moved by what i shared with her. she was incredibly warm and supportive of my desire to get involved. she said that she could sense that i am on a journey of self discovery, and the questions i am seeking to answer (what am i best suited for, how should i serve people) are good questions to be asking.
"you seem to know that it's not just about you."
she invited me to the volunteer orientation that is being held at the arts center this saturday. there are no job opportunities with the organization right now (they have already staffed the fall session), but i am extremely enthusiastic about getting involved as an unpaid mentor and engaging with the kids and networking with other people and having a really incredible experience that will hopefully help me find my own way.
it's inspiring just to know that there are nonprofits out there like this - that one person had the heart to dream up and the courage to follow through with. and because of that vision, this organization is serving an awesome purpose within the community and really helping a lot of people.
and it really excites me because that is what i want to do! only with more farm animals and gardening and nature walks.
i will move back to orange county. i am tired of pretending there is anywhere else i could be.
finding this opportunity is a good omen.
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Saturday, October 14th, 2006
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[originally posted 6/30/06]
www.seedybusiness.org
The sign suggested I come get involved.
So I did.
Friday I rode my snazzy new used bike down to the allotment, where I introduced myself to Warren, who has been working on the project for over 10 years. Warren is small, wiry, tan, and seems relatively young - maybe in his mid 30s. He has two piercings in each ear, a metal bar jutting out beneath his lower lip, and a short mousy-brown mohawk. The day I met him, he wore a pair of sweatpants with a two-foot long tear running down one leg and also donned a plain white t-shirt until he decided to take it off and work topless. He set me to work clearing some weeds and digging up some spuds. Then Steve showed up and Warren gave us the grand tour.
I have a real admiration for Warren's enthusiasm about the garden project, and especially for what he hopes to achieve by getting the community involved in its development.
They do a lot of work with a local elementary school, and get the children involved in the production of fresh organic vegetables, which Warren understands makes the kids more inclined to want to eat them. He wants to help them understand the importance of good nutrition - giving your body adequate fuel. Because so many kids just eat crap - literally 3 chocolate bars for breakfast - and Warren believes such extreme consumption of sugar to be related to a lot of behavioral problems.
They also invite the adult community to get involved - come volunteer your time, take home whatever veg they've got available that day. Sometimes when they've got a surplus, Warren takes it down to the local market which provides affordable quality produce to some of the elderly or impoverished residences of the area.
They also bring in a lot of at-risk youths, I suppose you could call them. Though for a few, it seems a more accurate title might be waist-deep-in-bad-shit youths. Warren tries to help them channel their aggression into something positive - construction for one. Currently they are building a classroom that will allow Warren to hold visitations and lessons for the younger children during the winter months.
Warren says he would like to see the troubled youths use their energy to do something not just for themselves, but for the sake of others around them. He sees that a lot of them are really hard workers, but there are still a few "really naughty boys" who continue to prefer to take out their anger on tea kettles and trees and anything else around the allotment they may be tempted to destroy.
"Sum a them you can jus' tell are headed straight fa prison. Like the two wreally naught-ee boys who cut down the trees ova there. An' sumtimes I jus' wreally want ta wring their necks, but then I have ta step back an phink: now if my mum were in prison for being a heroin addict, an' Ayme staying wiff my Nan who can't deal wiff me and couldn't give a shit anyway, I guess I would be pretty angry, as well. And what can you do firr'em? How far along does a kid have to be before you jus' say: Alright, you're on your own, you figgir it out."
It's easy for any of us to pass judgment on others - classify them as a certain type, as having come from a certain stock, and then equally as easy to write them off as hopeless. But Warren tries to understand the Whys of the behaviors of these kids, and he makes a real effort to help counter the ill effects that are now the result of a dozen years of abuse and neglect.
I like working outside and being a part of these things. I like meeting people like Warren.
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Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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[originally posted 3 aug 2006]
i think a lot about the things i wish to accomplish in life, and, synonymously, about my possible purpose in life. i have sought counseling from everyone, from trusted professors to alleged psychic counselors. it sounds eccentric, but i appreciate different perspectives. everyone has his own way of interpreting the world, and sometimes another may be capable of seeing something important that you might not have been able to immediately perceive.
lately i feel as though what i have to offer in life is directly linked to my appreciation for different ways of seeing. and this topic of perception has a lot to do with what i would desire to accomplish through writing.
it occurs to me at times that many of us have a difficult time seeing - that far too many of us have grown accustomed to projecting the ideas with which we feel comfortable, as opposed to absorbing the ideas about which we know little. perhaps because life seems easier when we adopt a black and white view of the world - it is easier to define ourselves and others in terms of absolutes, easier to define what is just, easier to condemn, easier to believe that we fight the good fight, we are righteous, our enemies are corrupt. It is easier to ignore the fact that by viewing the rest of the world through only one set of eyes, we are in part responsible for the creation of such demons.
interpreting the world in multiple subjective lights is difficult for all of us, and nearly impossible for those who consider themselves and their ideas (religious, political, social, or otherwise) to be singularly blameless and honorable. i don't speak of such things for the purposes of accusation or conviction. however, it saddens me that the one-minded people of this earth are blind to so many of its wonders. it is unfortunate that they may only allow themselves to see beauty or goodness in that which they know, as opposed to striving to uncover such values in that which they do not yet know.
i am too ignorant and inexperienced to support just one way of seeing. but if i am capable of understanding the potentially harmful consequences of a certain attitude of seeing, maybe it is possible to encourage an attitude of interpretation which promotes goodness.
i would have people take in every subtlety of life, and let the world define itself, rather than projecting themselves upon it and labeling it with familiar terms. i would encourage them to look for the universality in the unfamiliar, and to bear in mind one of the few real truths of life - that we all share in common the condition of being human. when we realize this, it should seem only natural that we strive to treat one another accordingly, that we approach one another bearing kindness and seeking understanding.
kindness is the only absolute i can wholeheartedly endorse. goodness, badness - these are relative terms, and within each of us exists a certain potential for either. how these innate capacities - morality, humanity, selfishness and vice - how our aptitudes for such things are realized in life is very much dependent upon our interactions with one another. this is why it is so important to treat one another right.
i am not claiming that there is no truth or there is no wrong (perhaps i am suggesting that defining such things is far more difficult than most of us would care to admit), but really what i am interested in is individuals - how we look at ourselves, how we look at one another. how we so often (however innocently) wrongly create barriers amongst ourselves and allow ourselves to forget that we are all so similar. and how sometimes this elitism will prevent us from being good to each other.
the world can be cruel and scary and there is evil and it stems from those who hold hate in their hearts.
but there is so much goodness that lies within so many, and so much more still that has yet to be uncovered by a touch of kindness and understanding.
these are things i really believe in.
so how do you write to convey these ideas without preaching?
you tell stories.
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Friday, October 6th, 2006
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After wrapping up my Literary Journalism degree at UCI, I headed off to Colorado in early May '06 to live and work on a dude ranch. It was an incredible experience, and I met some awesome people. I had committed to staying there for the entire season (through the first week of October), however, the fates apparently had other plans for me in mind. I was diagnosed with a bad case of mono, and because I could not work, was forced to return to California after only one month.
This was a frustrating development (especially since I had only just begun to feel like myself again, four months after undergoing major abdominal surgery) but I had a hunch that the universe had a little something up its sleeve, and a new and greater path would shortly be revealed to me. I realize now that there really was very little room for growth in Colorado - nothing that would have helped to give me any better sense of what I wanted to do with my life later down the line.
But I struggled a lot that month I spent in limbo after leaving the ranch. There are lots of people out there who encourage young folks like me to do certain things - typical things, safe things. Things that maybe one has no passion for, but he does it because he feels it is acceptable, or maybe just expected. I had no desire to follow such a path, but the pressure to do so regardless of my gut feeling became a definite source of anxiety, especially because I had little sense (specifically) of what I genuinely desired to do.
"Lost" would be a good word to describe the feeling.
A lot about who I was had changed since my hospital stay in February. I guess it's not rare that such an experience will cause a person to walk away with a new perspective, but what affected me most was not what happened to me one night, but what happened around me after the fact. There was one person in particular - someone who I had known for only a few days prior to my surgery - who made an especially profound impact. Steve helped me out a lot when I couldn't help myself. Helping was sort of his thing. He lived with his 86-year-old great uncle, recently disabled, and had been acting as his caregiver for nearly a year. In March and April, I stayed with the two of them - to help out - while other family (upon whom the pair relied to help get them through the day) went across the country for a month. It was a really incredible thing to be a part of - the three of us, a little functioning unit that ran off an unspoken triangle of reciprocity. Maybe we weren't even always aware that we were helping one another, but it worked.
And since then, my passion has been people.
On the 4th of July, I flew to England, where Steve had been conducting cosmology research at the University of Sussex. Together we traveled to the coast of Wales, where we worked on a small farm, whose owner had plans of converting the place into artists' studios, an organic small hold, and a boarding house for surfers. We weeded and planted and moved rocks on the farm, and our gracious hosts provided us with room and board. But also more than that. People are energized by sharing their passions with others, and this, too seems to be a reciprocal exchange.
After returning from Wales, we worked in a community garden in Brighton, whose director felt strongly about the benefits of bringing people into a natural environment - all kinds of people: children, at-risk youths, those with learning disabilities, and anyone else from the community willing to come do a little work in exchange for some fresh veg to take home. It was educational, it was constructive, it was therapeutic. It was a place to channel energy into something positive, which served not just oneself, but others as well.
Later we traveled to Italy to work on a small family run farm in Reggio Emilia (a region south of Milan), again for room and board, and also more than we could have ever imagined. We ate dinner with the family each night and attended a few weddings and picked about a zillion tomatoes and helped turn them into organic sauce. We made fresh pasta in a house full of three generations of family, we were taken to visit astronomy enthusiasts who had built their own telescope, we toured the cheese factory where parmigiano-reggiano was made.
There were other adventures - Steve and I parted ways for a week to head to separate farms, his in the Swiss Alps, mine in the Italian Dolomites, where I ate rabbit and herded goats and even attempted to milk one.
And I came home at the end of September with a better sense of myself and what I want to do in life.
And what it really comes down to is fueling the circle of reciprocity.
So I think what I really desire to do is get into the business of people. I want to help facilitate the growth of character, and realization of passions, and enthusiasm for learning and creating and doing.
I think... I want to be a teacher.
But if you knew me at all, you would know that it would be difficult for me to do this in the conventional fashion.
I want to start a nonprofit, and I want to make a place. An outdoor learning center/art studio/farm. Where all kinds of people could come to develop their own skills and creativity and relationships with one another. Where they could come to work with the dirt or their hands or their words and get excited about something.
So I am going to start small, take baby steps. First I would like to get into pottery. I like the idea because it is practical and can be used, but also it can be very artful and fulfilling (funny, sort of how I feel about writing). Soon (within a year) I would like to start a credential program so that I may teach art and creative writing. Then get some experience. And there are also lots of things to learn along the way and in between - how to apply for funding, the types of requirements the project has to fulfill in order to qualify for government grants and such - all those little details. Oh, and also the whole "land" thing. Because you need that to start a farm.
It's sort of a hippie idea, and I feel silly sometimes talking about it out loud around the sort of people who are really concerned with things like actual "professions" and "financial security" and "success." Not that those aren't valid goals to which a person may aspire, they just don't seem to motivate me.
And that's what it's all about. Helping people discover what turns them on.
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and here i thought no song could ever compete with "south america, take it away" in terms of ability to overwhelm my brain completely and play incessantly inside my head.
these are important discoveries.
last night we went to the east slope pub on campus to watch the world cup final. i was quite happy about the experience, as i was able to enjoy the best of both worlds - 1) the always colorful antics of zidane. i'm not a fan of france, but i love zizou. we had the pleasure of watching him unapologetically head butt his italian opponent, and 2) the poor french kids with whom we sat back to back, whose universe was crushed when italia took the world cup. they had been quite haughty and animated throughout the match (one wore the french flag like a cape) right up until the moment when they realized their defeat. and the italians - i love italians. i don't think the phrase "gracious winner" translates into their language. victorious, they jumped and screamed and sang and i was pleased to consider myself secretly in alliance with them.
i really need to start brushing up on my italian. it's been two years and i've either forgotten most of it or just gotten it mixed up with spanish.
like the other day when i asked steven:
"tengo fame?"
i am confident that it will come back to me.
i have been looking over the farm list for WWOOF italia. the options are somewhat overwhelming.
today i got in touch with some gals in south whales about going to stay with them for a week to help with some renovation and/or gardening projects. they live in Pembrokeshire, right on the coast - castles, pubs, beaches for surfing and swimming. the women are trying to convert an old farm into a place for an artist's studio, training venue, and organic smallholding. there is also a bunkhouse that needs some restoration. they posted the notice only a few days ago, and said i have been the first to respond, so there should be plenty for me to do, and i will have the luxury of staying in a private room with a view of the sea.
so i'll be heading out tomorrow or wednesday. i'm looking forward to it. they sound like really lovely people.
today... i need to purchase a new young persons railcard, as mine has long since expired. and probably just go ahead and book my trainfare; it will be about an 8 hour ride into pembroke.
ciao.
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| Time: | 8:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  bright.. |
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today was nice.
on my run this morning, i saw a yellow lab wearing a blue bandana hanging out the back of a white pickup. he barked and wagged his tail at me.
i was careful to not turn the radio up too loudly during my swim in the pool. there is a mourning dove that roosts above the bose speaker in the corner of the patio out back. she's been returning to that spot every season for the past few years.
black lizards the size of bananas scurry all up and down the walls out there. they stop dead in their tracks every few seconds to do a few sets of pushups.
i went and picked some fresh sweet basil in the yard before dinner. the basil grows amidst a big green hodgepodge of grape and tomato vines. you have to know where to look for it.
i have enjoyed my time here at my parents' home.
but it's not my home anymore. and now it's time to leave.
my life - my heart - neither are here.
i am looking forward to resuming my search for both.
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Saturday, June 24th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:27 pm. |
| Mood: |  frisky.. |
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today i uncovered mountains of buried treasure.
i've been in the process of cleaning out my old room here at my parents' house for about 2 and a half days now.
i finally found the two flaming lips albums that i have been looking for these past 3 years, the school house rock CD that has blind melon covering three is the magic number, two pavement albums that had been missing, jonah's onelinedrawing mixed media EP, some live radiohead and neutral milk hotel, and three mix CDs full of songs that take me back to about 3 lifetimes ago.
and i dug up a few old classical guitar workbooks from when i was 10, along with tons of other sheet music and tabs, a lot of it hand written because there was a time when i was creative like that and wrote music.
and my guitar! the poor thing has been stuffed away in that dingy little room ever since i left for england, and i've been neglecting it like an ungrateful jerk these past - holy smokes, it's been almost three years? i think it's time for a little reunion.
my spleen hurts from all the excitement! or maybe it's just the sickness.
but i am feeling better these days, maybe almost completely recovered.
and then i can blow this popsicle stand.
i've been here a week now. i was ready to leave tuesday, i think. by wednesday i had definitely had enough. it's not that it's so unbearable, but my life just isn't here.
honestly, i'm not certain in what particular geographic location my current life is located. i've moved 7 or 8 times among 4 different homes in the past 2 and a half months. that seems a bit excessive.
but i suppose i have long been in the habit of never unpacking all my bags anyway.
i'm becoming more and more drawn to the idea of picking up and taking off and spending lots of money on another overseas adventure instead of putting it towards something silly like car insurance payments or first and last months rent.
i don't know where i want to live or what i want to do. and i'm okay with that.
today, anyway.
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so this account began as a joke. it feels good to make light of a thing that almost killed me. that coupled with the fact that, at the time, i also had far too much time on my hands... and, well, that's how these silly things get started, right?
but it helps to put your guts down in words. it's really one of the only ways i know that helps me to make sense of all the thoughts and feelings that so often seem to transcend language.
i've really been trying to get in touch with my guts lately. that's where your intuition lies. i have also been working on building better communication with my heart and my head, too. their viewpoints may be conflicting at times, but for the most part, they seem pretty in synch with one another.
all these things inside of me are telling me to get moving again. they are telling me to focus my strengths and efforts outward, to promote good in the world. they say i am meant to serve others.
i don't know why i was meant to return from colorado, or why i should be stricken with yet another surprise, health-related ailment... but i am certain that these realities of life do not occur as mere accidents.
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yeah, i wont have internet access beginning next week. so much for my attempt to publicly chronicle the misadventures of my feisty, estranged innards...
i will make an effort to update the xanga site every now and then.
...if i make it out to the library or internet cafe in granby every other week...
get this - Granby, a 30 minute drive from where i'll be living, is the nearest "real" town.
stats on Granby:
Land area: 1.8 square miles
Population (year 2000): 1,525
Races in Granby: White Non-Hispanic (94.2%)
should be a hoot.
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lias_colon's journal
botanical.
